


You And Me Both

by Inrainbowz



Series: Between The Two Of Us - The Brooklyn Loft Chronicles [7]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Established Relationship, Insecure Alec too actually, Insecure Magnus, M/M, Relationship Discussions, been a while since I wanted to use that tag, fight, i like that tag, is key, resolved angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6940459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inrainbowz/pseuds/Inrainbowz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus can deal with Alec's doubts and insecurities, until his own get in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You And Me Both

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry because this serie is mostly light and fluffy but alas shit happens too. I have to confess, I really wanted to have Magnus vulnerable and Alec... blamable? For once? For once it's Alec's fault. Yeah, that's it. In fact not really because there is too much communication happening, too bad. But still. Insecure!Magnus, yay!
> 
> Thanks to NightChanger for the correction, enjoy!

Magnus pretended he didn't notice, but he did. He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing, but he noticed, and it hurt. It hurt in an unexpected way, one he had discovered only Alexander could induce, usually without knowing. Magnus guessed he was partly to blame. He had cultivated so much his facade, made it so convincing, that people truly believed he was all confident, that nothing could touch him. 

He wished Alexander would see through it, would know better. It was stupid of course. If the young man didn't know, it's because Magnus didn't let him.

So Magnus pretended like nothing was wrong, as he saw Alec spend a ridiculous amount of time examining himself in the mirror, tracking greying hairs, new wrinkles, showing signs of the inevitable decay of his body. Alec said nothing and Magnus didn't either. It didn't make the issue any less real.

Magnus knew, he knew how insecure Alec was about this, how scared he was of their tragic fate regarding mortality and aging. But he had more and more trouble reassuring him, soothing his worries. Because he had some of his own, and since he had made it impossible for him to share them, they weighed heavily in his mind, turning round and round without any escape. No matter what he said and did, Alec would not be eased. He would not be fully convinced, he would not stop waiting for the day Magnus finally had enough and left him. And of course, the young man couldn't imagine Magnus could nurture the same kind of thoughts. 

Magnus was waiting for his lover to come to bed, but Alec was in the bathroom, and Magnus could see him in front of the mirror, where he stood for the past few minutes. And what made it that something he had kept to himself for weeks, months, would suddenly come out at the most random time? What was different about this night, what particular train of thoughts and chain of events made it that this time he couldn't stay silent? How fascinating a question. How strange. 

"Stop this," Magnus said abruptly, loud enough to be heard by the young man in the bathroom, who came out with a confused expression.

"What?"

"Just... please stop this. Stop."

"Stop what?"

"You know what. Leave your reflection alone. It won't do any good to stare at you like the fucking evil queen, and it won't change anything, whether you spot it or not."

Alec looked both guilty and hurt.

"I can't help it."

"Well I'm asking you to."

"Why?"

Alec was standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, expression guarded, feeling the upcoming fight. Magnus sat up on the bed and let out a frustrated sigh. He hadn't said anything because he knew he wouldn't keep his cool. It was too painful, too close to his heart. For all his act, he had never dealt well with his emotions.

"I can't stand it anymore. Seeing you monitoring your looks all the time, I can't."

"Time is what I'm up against. Sorry if I'd rather it not takes me by surprise."

"You're not against anything, hell, Alexander, time is our only ally in this, why can't you see it? Time is all anybody has, and it runs out eventually."

"For me, maybe."

"Are you under the impression that our time together will keep running after yours stops?"

Magnus ran his hand through his hair. That wasn't the real issue, that's not what was bothering him. Now that the talk was on, he had to make his point across.

"I'm sorry, Magnus," Alec tried, sitting on the bed at a respectable distance. "I'm sorry I can't get out of my mind that me looking like your grandfather eventually won't sit well with you."

"You're not even a quarter of a century old, Alec, and it kills me that you already think like this."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you seem awfully sure that we'll even make it until then."

Alec looked like Magus had slapped him across the face. 

"Wow, tell me what you really feel. When do you plan on breaking things off exactly?"

"Oh for fuck's sake Alec, I'm not the only one who can leave in this relationship!"

Unable to stay still any longer, Magnus got up abruptly and went straight to the kitchen. 

He started making tea, anything to keep his hands occupied and his body moving. He heard Alec come up behind him but didn't dare turn around to face him.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked in a controlled tone, and Magnus could hear he was trying to stay calm, reasonable. That made one of them. Magnus's hands were shaking too badly to hold his cup properly. He swore under his breath, gripping the counter tightly to steady himself.

"You're so very young. And I guess it's sweet, in a way, that you think our most immediate problem won't occur before that long but... You think it'll make me leave you, and guess what, I have no idea what it will be like indeed. You know why? Because it never happened before, because no one ever sticks around long enough for it to become an issue."

There it was, there it was. There lay the real point, the root of his own doubts and fears. 

That was why he couldn't worry as Alec did, because he saw a tragic ending much sooner that the other did. And he couldn’t help it any more than Alec could.

Maybe they should have talked about it sooner.

He finally gather up the courage to face his lover again, who was standing in the middle of the living space with a dumbstruck expression.

"I... I would never leave you," he said lamely.

"You can't possibly know that, Alec. 

"Yes, I do."

"And why, do tell me, why should I believe you anymore than you believe me, when I tell you the exact same thing?"

"But... because, you..."

"What? I what? I can't doubt? I can't get hurt? I'm flattered by how highly you think of me Alexander, flattered and sorry about it, even if I recognize, it's probably my fault. But I can. I watch you worry about things so far away from us, and I know you don't think about how we're even going to get there. And I get it, in a way, after all that's what people in a relationship do. They're convinced it will last forever. The first few times, at least. But it doesn't. More often than not it doesn't, Alexander, and I... I know it too well. Because it never lasted long, and it always ended badly. For me, mostly. They all left, you understand? Every single one of them, sooner rather than later, they leave. And I can't... I can't have you not understanding this. I... I'm taking a step, okay? I'm... confessing. I wish I could... could be as assured and fearless as you think me to be. But I'm not, I'm not and I can't pretend to be anymore, I can't... I can't bear it all. I'm sorry."

This was ridiculous, and how he hated it. He was four hundred years old. Of course he was supposed to be better at this than his twenty-two year old and in his first relationship boyfriend. He hated that he hadn't learn a thing, that if anything it had gotten worse with time, with every failure and rejection and disappointment, that he was unable to hold up to the man he presented to the world, to everyone around him. The last thing he wanted was to burden Alec with his worries, but he had been a fool to believe he could keep them at bay, deal with it all by himself.

"I can't talk to you about it, because you have no idea. You don't have a clue and I wish I could keep up this illusion for your sake but I can't, I can't. I need you… need you to know that you can hurt me. You can, easily enough, and it terrifies me. You think my trust in you is implicit Alec, but it’s not. I’m just as wary of heartbreak, of pain. I’m not… I’m not invincible. I’m not immune to doubt either."

"I... I had no idea," whispered a dazed Alec.

“I know.”

Magnus suddenly regretted having said anything at all. Alec didn’t know because he hadn’t told him, because he had lied. It was unfair to blame it on him now.

"I'm sorry," he said again, wishing he had stayed silent, wishing he was not so weak. 

"Magnus... why are you apologizing? What for?"

"I... I should be better than this. I should be able to keep you away from this mess."

"Why?"

Magnus looked up at that, only to realize Alec had come closer and was staring at him with an intensity the warlock didn't like, like he was trying to read his mind, figure him out.

Why? 

"You do remember that one of the main causes of our worst fight to date was because I had the feeling you didn't want to open up to me and share your mind. What do you think might have changed since then that I suddenly would be against it?"

Magnus tried to talk, but he couldn't find the words. Alec didn't understand, he wanted to know, but it was too much, it was years upon years of betrayal and fear, what good would come out of talking about them, putting them out there in the open?

"Do you realize how unequal that makes our relationship? That you believe you have to support me, but I can't do the same with you? I know there is nothing comparable between our lives and experiences, but that doesn’t mean I can't do anything for you. I... I'm trying to get over my own insecurities, to be better, with your help. Why don't you let me do the same for you? Despite the poor opinion you seem to have of my emotional maturity, I am in fact aware that everyone has their own demons and that not everything will be perfect all the time. Do you think I can't handle it?"  
Yes. Yes, that's exactly what he thought. It was too much work. Surely he wouldn't stand for it.

"I don't want you to leave," answered Magnus lamely, and it sounded desperate even to his own ears.

"And you intend to make sure of that by burying all your issues and to never talk about them ever?" asked Alec sarcastically, even if he sounded more sad than angry. 

"I can try," said Magnus weakly. The worse thing was he had actually thought he could pull it off. That was exactly his plan. 

"It can't go on this way, you see that, right? You have to tell me. Tell me what's hurting you, Magnus,” pleaded Alec, coming closer. “Tell me why it's so hard to believe that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Tell me, and I'll comfort you, I'll convince you, eventually. Tell me, so that this time it's different. Or don't tell anything, and we will come apart."

"Because I'm not strong enough."

"But you don't have to be. We share our strengths remember? You don't have to. You can't shield me from everything."

He slid his arms around Magnus’s waist but stayed back enough that they could still hold each other's gaze.

"I'm sorry I upset you,” added Alec. “I hadn't even realized. Actually I'm sorry for that too. I'm not perceptive enough for this kind of thing."

"I understand, it's..."

"Magnus," cut Alec with a firm voice. "I'm still sorry, and it's not fine. It will be, but it's not right now, and that's okay. You don't have to... to take it all. You don't have to be fine all the time. I take you, weakness and all. I'm not going anywhere. It was just stupid of me to think it was as obvious for you as it is for me. I won’t leave."

"You can't know that."

"Neither can you, but I believe it. You'll have to trust me. Have faith."

"Will you too, then? Will you have faith in me?"

"I'll do my best."

"Then so will I."

“And let’s… let’s stop worrying for a while, okay? Everything is fine for now. Let’s enjoy that. 

Magnus nodded, his voice failing him. Alec's face finally smoothed over, losing the upset and confused expression for something looking like relief. Determination too, a will to fight, fight for this as he did for everything important in his life, everything he wanted to keep and protect. 

"I'm sorry I was so blind," Alec said again, and Magnus wanted to tell him not to be, because he had made all he could so that Alec wouldn't see anything, and it wasn't of his concern, it was fine. But Alec raised an eyebrow, expectant, and Magnus kept the word for himself. Instead, he just said "I forgive you" and Alec rewarded him with a gentle kiss, like he had passed some sort of test. 

Maybe he had, for he felt lighter than he had for a very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, some issues had to be adressed. Hope you liked it, come say hi to Inrainbowz on tumblr! (that's me).


End file.
